Friday, May 30, 2008

Is the day my grandmother died. From this day forward this weekend will be one of remembering the memories and all the fun and laughs we had together. I loved this woman more than any of you or she will ever know. She was so much a part of my life and I have realized this even more after her passing. I have a huge hole in my life now, one I know will heal with time but to be honest that doesn't matter to me right now...

To back up.... My mom went to see my grandmother, her mother, in Maryland over Memorial Day weekend. Kyle, Ashley, Aaron and I went to Zion and Bryce. Mom called us on Monday very upset saying Grandmom was dying. We thought it was going to be that day or the next. She had congestive heart failure and her kidneys were also failing. Mom had just seen her Sunday and she was doing ok. The weekend had been fine. The nursing home called her early Monday morning to tell her things were going downhill. Grandmom lasted until Friday, but not long enough for me to see her one last time. Mom said it was better off as she was really swollen due to the fluid and breathing really weird. From Tuesday afternoon on she was mostly out of it because she was given morphine and an anti-anxiety medicine to help her out. One of the last times Grandmom was coherent, Mom told her that Kyle and I loved her. She took her oxygen mask off and said to her, "I know, I know". (Typing this makes me cry) I had planned to go earlier but there had appeared to be no change really from day to day. I was arriving at 4pm on Friday and Grandmom didn't wait. I guess God knows what he is doing and had it planned. Kyle arrived on Saturday so at least we all got to spend time together. He figures Grandmom planned this because otherwise Mom wasn't going to see him until July and hadn't seen him for a few months. It was so hard being in her house. I was waiting for her to walk around the corner or call my name. All I wanted is to see her and hear her voice.

Monday was the viewing and I finally got to see her and touch her. I've been lucky and I have never had anyone in my family pass away and have to go to the funeral. I was worried about being around a dead body and if it would creep me out. I walked into the room and went right up to her. I was crying so hard I'm not sure really how I made it. I simply laid my head by her and hugged her while crying and talking to her. I was ok. I could see her and be with her. The whole viewing I simply stood by her with my hand on her arm. She was there, I was there, it was ok. We put a ton of stuff in with her I can't tell you what we put in it's just too hard right now.... I met a lot of cousins and family I haven't seen in a long time or ever so that was a plus. I'm sure Grandmom loved everyone being together and talking about funny things and laughing.

Tuesday was the hardest day of my life. The funeral went so fast and everything was a blur. Saying goodbye to her before they closed the coffin was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It was just so final. Up to that point I had been ok as I mentioned before, I could see her and touch her so it wasn't as final. I helped carry her coffin despite all the protests from family members. There was no way I wasn't going to be there for her until the end. I made sure the people carrying the coffin knew her so strangers weren't carrying her. I said my final good bye to her and cried my eyes out.

I miss her. So much. She was so key in getting me through my MBA. She's going to be mad at me that I got so upset and that I put pictures out of her when she was in a bathing suit. She's also going to be mad Kyle and I laid on her pink pillows on the couch. I know she will always be with me, I asked her to somehow let me know she was. I miss talking to her and hearing her voice. I want her to tell me to be careful driving like she did every time I talked to her. I want to talk to her during award shows and make fun of dresses and people. I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. I want her here.

I know she is better off, not in pain, not worrying about Grandad, can walk easier and is with family but I am selfish. Life was too short. She had a great one but I only knew her for 29 years, not long enough. In time I know things will get better and that God had / has a plan. Right now I simply can't handle all the logic that people have to share. I know they have good intentions but I just want to be sad, cry when I want and miss her. She was an amazing lady, funny, everyone loved her and so many people I met said I was like her. To me that is the best thing anyone could ever tell me.

I love you Grandmom and I promise I will be careful driving.